Vestige

I made a grievous error; I was under the assumption that Carolina’s friends were my friends. I’m sorry for disturbing the peace. It’s not healthy for me to assume that because you were friends with him that you would still see me the same way. I don’t see the world the same way as most people and in a way my gut is now my only sense of what is good for me & what is not. When I added you back, I had a pit in my stomach like no other. It’s like every time I texted my sister, it was the same eerie feeling. I’m a fool.

It truly is unfortunate that I have to go about this all alone again. Last year when I left the discord it was very obvious to me that something was very, very wrong. As much as I paraded myself on being honest, I wasn’t being honest with myself. I could blame others for the way I was being treated but at a certain point, you have to begin to look inwards and figure out what is wrong.

Being that I wasn’t happy with where I was living, I wasn’t happy about the virtues I was holding & I wasn’t happy being a man. The only way I was able to realize all of these struggles was because I sat alone at my abuser’s house for six months in deep meditation sitting outside whenever I could. The reason I call him an abuser is because when I finally said no to him, I thought that I was going to get killed. I have no problems sharing that information to the world.

That is reality.

All of that is now null & void because I’m out in Portland trying to start a new life as the person I knew I could always become. By the way, if I wanted to stop taking the medication, I would. However, as soon as I started Hormone Replacement Therapy, something clicked. It was like everything that didn’t make any sense before made total sense now. If I had gotten my way back in middle school, I would never have been friends with Carolina’s friends (some of you are okay).

I’m only going to hurt myself by trying to bring back relics of a begotten era. The grass is indeed greener in Oregon then it is in Texas. I wasn’t lying about that. There are a lot of smart & caring people out here and I need to take better advantage of that. I also need to stop seeking attention from people who get off on hurting others.

The Dota Community is an incredibly toxic bubble and I think Grubby was very right about that. Once I get to Immortal I will quit playing this game. Too many bad memories exist in this game and the fact that people constantly make fun of me in random matchmaking games who I have never met is taking a toll on my sanity.

I’m sure all of this will get easier as time fades from the person I used to be and become who I was always meant to be.

Puberty is always awkward, especially at 28.